Improving Communication

In 2004, The Maryland Community College's Soar Program compiled excellent information and exercises to improve communication. Follow the link to read the full article: "Keys to Better Communication." Learn to increase communication and enhance relationships  by applying their suggested skills.

#1. Active Listening

Active listening involves being open, setting aside your own feelings momentarily, and trying to

understand what the person is saying. To listen actively you must:

• Put yourself in the other person's place.
• Show understanding and acceptance.
• Restate the person's concerns in your own words.
• Don't interrupt.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Listen carefully.
• How well do you actively listen? What could you do to improve?

#2. Using "I messages"

"I messages" communicate how you feel about a situation and what you expect of the other person.

Unlike "You messages," which blame, accuse, and label people, "I messages" get the message

across without putting the other person on the defensive. Consider the following example which

shows the difference between a "You message" and an "I message:"

(You message) "You are so inconsiderate, coming home this late and not even calling me!"

(I message) "I get very worried when you come home late and don't call me. In the future, please

call me and tell me when you're going to be late."

Exercise: How to construct an "I message:"

"I feel________________________________________________________________

(state the emotion you are feeling, ex: hurt, angry, disappointed, upset, etc.)

when you ______________________________________________________________

(state the facts about what the person did or said)

and I want______________________________________________________________.

(state what you expect or want from the person )

#3. Timing

It is important to use good timing when bringing up a conflict situation or when discussing difficult

issues in an attempt to resolve a conflict. In general, it is best to discuss issues or conflicts when:

• You are alone in a private setting with the person with whom you have the conflict.
• You and the other person have ample time to talk.
• You and the other person are rested and generally feeling good.

DO NOT discuss conflict issues when you or the other person involved are angry, tired, upset,

and/or under any unusual stress.

Conflicts escalate or grow bigger when 

• people take sides.
• people feel threatened.
• people have no interest in working it out.
• there is an increase in acting out anger, fear, frustration, etc.
• people's needs are not met.
• people lack the skills and awareness to resolve conflict.

Conflicts de-escalate when

• people focus on the problem, not the people involved.
• emotions are expressed, not acted out.
• threats are eliminated.
• people cooperate.
• needs are discussed.
• people use peacemaking skills, meaning communication skills.
• What changes, if any, do you need to make in the area of timing?

Follow the link to watch an address given by President Clark regarding Student Living: Student Living

Follow the link to learn more about communicating effectively from the BYUI Student Counseling Webpage: Assertiveness


Soar Program. Resolving Conflicts Through Resolution. Maryland Community College. Retrieved February 26, 2013, from www.mayland.edu/aca111/ConflictModule